It’s hard to trust God with my body
I was looking up at extra-puffy, extra-white clouds floating behind the doctor’s head, and beams of sunlight coming down from the LED lights on the ceiling of the emergency room.
I joyfully laughed, ignoring the three-inch needle and six-inch catheter being funneled into the jugular vein on the right side of my neck (I guess fentanyl will do that).
After the central line was placed, I was brought up to my room at Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston, Massachusetts. For two entire weeks, I had a silicone tube running from inside the largest vein in my neck out to an R2D2-looking machine that served as my roommate.
This was 6 years ago.
I was laid out in a hospital bed because of a pharmaceutical reaction—unable to walk, tubes running through my neck, steroids and another human’s blood coursing thru my veins.
Pharma adverse reactions are scary because you’re harmed by something that was supposed to be safe and effective.
Then to fix it, you’re met with more pharmaceuticals you hope are actually safe and effective.
When I was released from the hospital, I promised myself that I would never dance with pharmaceuticals again.
Enter—natural health.
Many of us come to natural health from a place of desperation, wanting to re-gain control.
It provides freedom after being a slave to symptoms for so long.
I touched freedom.
I learned everything I could.
I applied all the information.
But I have symptoms again that are calling me to attention. The symptoms are small and something is stirring in me that I didn’t know was there….
I’m really tired.
It’s a residual exhaustion, left over from years of healing (doing, doing, doing) from desperation.
I freed myself once and I know how to do it again.
But honestly…it’s too much.
What if I’m not supposed to free myself this time?
I’m not scared of the symptoms themselves, I’m scared that I won’t be able to hand over control fast enough.
What if the symptoms are the thing calling me (you) back to Him?
What if the symptoms are what He’s using to break my (your) need for control?
What if the symptoms are an opportunity for me (you) to trust Him?
I wasn’t released from the hospital by anything the doctors did, the medications did, or I did.
God proved to me that I could trust Him at my lowest point.
When I first got to the hospital, my spirit quickly found my Creator.
Every day I was waiting for test results that proved I was stable.
Every day I would talk to my Creator (I had never talked to Him like this before), and I asked Him to let me get released in time for an awards ceremony back at my college.
On Day 11, I was still unstable. The doctors told me that I needed three consecutive days of stable tests before I would be released.
On Day 12, my test results were slightly stable.
On Day 13, my test results were a little more stable.
On Day 14, my test results were stable. This was the day of the awards ceremony.
He freed me from that hospital bed on the third day of my test results being stable, the morning of the day that I asked Him to let me get released.
He proved to be trustworthy in my most vulnerable state.
Yet, I took healing into my own hands for years after this.
So, I’m slowly learning to trust Him again.
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