I joyfully laughed, ignoring the three-inch needle and six-inch catheter being funneled into the jugular vein on the right side of my neck (I guess fentanyl will do that).

After the central line was placed, I was brought up to my room at Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston, Massachusetts. For two entire weeks, I had a silicone tube running from inside the largest vein in my neck out to an R2D2-looking machine that served as my roommate.

This was 6 years ago.

I was laid out in a hospital bed because of a pharmaceutical reaction—unable to walk, tubes running through my neck, steroids and another human’s blood coursing thru my veins.

Pharma adverse reactions are scary because you’re harmed by something that was supposed to be safe and effective.

Then to fix it, you’re met with more pharmaceuticals you hope are actually safe and effective.

When I was released from the hospital, I promised myself that I would never dance with pharmaceuticals again.

Enter—natural health.

Many of us come to natural health from a place of desperation, wanting to re-gain control.

It provides freedom after being a slave to symptoms for so long.

I touched freedom.

I learned everything I could.

I applied all the information.

But I have symptoms again that are calling me to attention. The symptoms are small and something is stirring in me that I didn’t know was there….

I’m really tired.

It’s a residual exhaustion, left over from years of healing (doing, doing, doing) from desperation.

I freed myself once and I know how to do it again.

But honestly…it’s too much.

What if I’m not supposed to free myself this time?

I’m not scared of the symptoms themselves, I’m scared that I won’t be able to hand over control fast enough.

What if the symptoms are the thing calling me (you) back to Him?

What if the symptoms are what He’s using to break my (your) need for control?

What if the symptoms are an opportunity for me (you) to trust Him?

I wasn’t released from the hospital by anything the doctors did, the medications did, or I did.

God proved to me that I could trust Him at my lowest point.

When I first got to the hospital, my spirit quickly found my Creator.

Every day I was waiting for test results that proved I was stable.

Every day I would talk to my Creator (I had never talked to Him like this before), and I asked Him to let me get released in time for an awards ceremony back at my college.

On Day 11, I was still unstable. The doctors told me that I needed three consecutive days of stable tests before I would be released.

On Day 12, my test results were slightly stable.

On Day 13, my test results were a little more stable.

On Day 14, my test results were stable. This was the day of the awards ceremony.

He freed me from that hospital bed on the third day of my test results being stable, the morning of the day that I asked Him to let me get released.

He proved to be trustworthy in my most vulnerable state.

Yet, I took healing into my own hands for years after this.

So, I’m slowly learning to trust Him again.

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For twelve minutes I sat over the steaming herbs, letting the vapors absorb through the mucus membranes of my vagina, and praying that I wouldn’t be pregnant.

“OUCH!” Every time.

I leaped off the stool, my delicate tissues tingling from the steam—hopefully twelve minutes was enough. I put on my organic cotton robe and took the pot of herbs to the patch of soil outside my apartment door.

Sebastian followed me.

We thanked the plants, thanked the earth, and thanked the universe for listening and offering their support. This was my natural form of birth control for eight months of dating my soon-to-be husband, before we chose abstinence.

The moral dilemma was masked by self-care, candles and prayers. I was content ignoring the lack of evidence for how herbal contraception works. It’s not proven that they stop ovulation, therefore they may allow for fertilization.

If my herbalist didn’t know, I didn’t need to know.

But what I did know—yoni steaming alters the reproductive environment to make it unsuitable for life; therefore, a fertilized egg cannot implant in the uterus to continue development.

This is exactly what happens with IUDs and Plan B pills (fertilization is allowed and implantation is arrested). Other birth control methods (pills, implants, shots) primarily stop ovulation, but if they fail, fertilization may occur and implantation is then impeded.

As a spiritual person, I always acknowledged that life was a gift.

But if I actually believed that life was a blessing, the mechanism of herbal and chemical birth control should’ve been a deep moral issue.

A microscopic flash of light occurs at the exact moment of human conception when a sperm cell fertilizes an egg. A unique human is formed with a DNA set that has never existed before, signified by a burst of billions of zinc atoms that create a momentary, brilliant, and detectable glow.

After all…

God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. God saw that the light was good. —Genesis 1:3-4 (NIV)

The field of natural health and herbal healing became my sanctuary after the damage that pharmaceuticals caused my body, so I gave a green light to all things natural.

But just because it’s natural doesn’t make it good.

Despite my efforts to feel in control of my fertility through herbal contraception, I had a pregnancy scare with Sebastian.

It was approaching the end of my cycle and I was clouded by my usual fear of pregnancy: What if I’m pregnant? Could I be pregnant? Do my boobs feel different? Did I ovulate on time? Did I miss any steams this month?

To soothe the thoughts, Sebastian and I drove my car to CVS to buy my favorite pregnancy test (the digital Clearblue with 99% accuracy 5 days before your expected period).

With his credit card, I jumped out of the car and ran inside. I quickly scanned the aisles, turned down the one that was all too familiar, and returned to the front of the store unashamed of my purchase because of how many times I’d done this.

Sebastian was waiting for me in a parking spot hidden behind some bushes. He had an empty plastic cup with the remnants of an old, dried up smoothie ready for me. I hopped in the passenger seat, ripped open the Clearblue package, and balanced myself over the plastic cup in that very tight area.

That three minutes in the car was a very long three minutes.

“Pregnant” flashed across the screen.

To confirm I took four more tests, but each time “Not Pregnant” flashed across the screen.

Confused and terrified, I unlocked my phone and went to Google, “is it possible to have a false positive pregnancy test?” Google replied, “False positive pregnancy tests are extremely rare, occurring in less than 1% of cases.”

If I was actually pregnant, I healed through an abortion once and I could heal through it again.

Sebastian never objected.

Author’s note: I believed I was healed after years of therapy and plant medicine, but I still felt broken whenever I was forced to confront the truth that I had chosen abortion a few years prior to this scare. I had gone through years of a deceptive “healing” that never worked on the Spirit-level. This was only revealed to me after I received true healing from the highest source.

I had been trained on how to use herbs for contraception and had the tools to perform an herbal abortion. I yanked the cupboard open to the designated apothecary shelf in my kitchen. I choked back a high dose of anti-parasitic herbs while digging to the back, passing over my usual steaming herbs, detox herbs (actually maybe these would help), and made it to four mason jars that were waiting for me. Each contained loose leaves of a strong abortifacient.

Abortifacients are herbs that may induce abortion. They are recognized as (borderline) poisonous and/or toxic to the body; the doses required can be dangerous for the mother, carrying risks of liver and kidney damage.

They work by creating a reproductive environment unsuitable for life. The reproductive system becomes toxic and after implantation has already occurred, continued use of these herbs (for at least a week) would stop nourishment to the baby.

I was aware that this method was not guaranteed and I was hyperaware that the impact of these herbs on a developing baby is unpredictable… birth defects, injuries and deformities were very likely. If I was still pregnant after my attempts, I would still have to go to the clinic.

Sebastian and I stood together in my apartment kitchen, desperately praying into the stainless steel pot, taking turns speaking our will into existence–that I wasn’t pregnant.

We prayed desperately to the plants…

Instead of the one who created the plants, the one who created the light (life).

I removed the pot from the stovetop and brought it to my living room, where I had set up the hotplate to keep my herbal concoction active through the steaming process. This was my routine for two more nights regardless of being startled awake at 3:00am with heart palpitations, shocking kidney pain, drenched in sweat, sore and achy.

The vagina is a mucus membrane, this means it’s highly absorbable. Using herbs mixed with water to create a steam, and sitting over them, makes an herbal blend that much more potent. Your vagina absorbs the oils from the vapors of the herbs.

Abortifacients (and their vapors) are toxic and/or poisonous to the body when used in larger amounts and used consistently. This is why they are effective at manipulating pregnancy, they essentially create an environment too toxic to sustain life. When steaming, these herbs absorb through the mucus membranes and aggressively course through the bloodstream, making their presence known with a loud landing at the liver and the kidneys. These two organs process every toxin, whether natural or chemical. When overloaded, fear, resentment, anxiety, and frustration break loose from the very organs meant to handle them.

On the third day of steaming with abortifacients, I took another pregnancy test and it confirmed, “Not Pregnant.” I knew that an herbal abortion wouldn’t have worked that fast, therefore three days prior I was in the 1% of false positive pregnancy tests.

Relief and a new layer of brokenness came over me. I realized that this test revealed the true state of my heart.

A part of me died after my first abortion, yet I was deceived to believe that I could do it again because I “handled” it once already. Preserving my own life and maintaining my own plans was a priority over the life of a baby in the womb.

Just because it’s natural doesn’t make it good.

Sebastian and I made this choice before the Lord encountered us. Glory to God everyday for revealing the Truth of both herbal and chemical methods of abortion and contraception. They are in opposition to life and to God’s design for us.

To the women I guided toward learning about herbal contraception and herbal abortion, I’m sorry I didn’t share the whole truth with you.

When I discovered the world of natural health, I stopped believing in chemical birth control. Now I no longer believe in using herbs for natural contraception–and especially not natural abortion.

As someone who once chose medical abortion and attempted herbal abortion, I’ve learned that even calling it “natural” doesn’t change the reality of ending a baby’s life. For so long I wasn’t desperate to acknowledge reality, but healing requires a posture of desperation. It’s in this desperation that the heart sincerely longs to be put back together after brokenness.

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you —Jeremiah 1:5 (NIV)

If you also chose abortion, the Lord has healing for you. If you need support in being guided toward that healing, please reach out to me: hi[@]tori-mar.com.

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